why are you running?
(suggested listen: video games, lana del rey)
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I had two defining moments in the past weeks that have left a mark on me.
The first one: one day I stopped working at six, and realised there was nothing I wanted to do. I literally did not know what to do with my free time. I thought maybe I could play a video game, watch a movie, or something like that. I wanted to do none of that. I felt empty.
The second one: it’s almost the end of April. If someone asked me what I did in the first few months of this year, I would not know what to tell them. I mean, I’ve done things, but what have I really, really done? I’m not too sure, to be honest.
Mostly, I think it’s because of work. I was talking with a friend, telling her this, and how ironic of me as an Italian, as a “la dolce vita” Italian, to be in the position where I’ve just worked, worked, and worked.
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There’s a funny meme, a video, where a woman is running away from a guy, and he keeps shouting at her with this thick Nigerian accent “why are you running”, “why are you running?”.
Yeah, that. Why am I running? And where to?
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I think life comes in waves. Thinking you can successfully juggle a relationship, work, friends, health, etc is being delirious. Mind you, they’re all important, and you need a baseline of all of them constantly going on, but thinking you can dedicate to each of them not just time, but even mind space, is just not possible.
There’s a saying I like that goes “priorities are like hands: if you say you have more than two you’re either crazy, or you’re lying”.
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I have my reasons for running. I want to buy a house, and need more money. I need a raise and I need to save. Work has taken priority over many other things. And on the other side, I’ve been quite unlucky with an old ankle injury that has flared up again and has kept me off of most of my favourite hobbies, dancing, bouldering, even football — all quite physical.
I have my reasons, sure, but it still sucks?
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These waves, this concept, I like it a lot. I’ve made peace with it. There will always be one or two things you prioritise in certain moments, and others will fall behind. It’s okay, it’s natural, and not only that, I think it’s necessary to make significant progress on anything. But what is also necessary is to have these moments where you’re like, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I running? Is this… is this something I actually want to keep doing?
Whatever the answer ends up being, I don’t think it matters much, but I do think it’s important to feel a tiny bit of pain while coming up with it, because something has to give, and the pain helps calibrate yourself better. Small doses of self-inflicted pain help, and I do think they’re better than the alternative.